Saturday Six – Super Heavyweight Wrestlers

Posted By on Saturday August 9, 2014 at 3:35 pm
To Saturday Six, Wrestling

Natural Disasters

Welcome to the Saturday Six, where each week I let you get to know me a bit better with the help of a list. Any idiot can do a Top 5 list, which is why I kicked it up a notch to a Top 6. This week’s topic: Super Heavyweight Wrestlers

So all this month, CZW is holding open tryouts to join their wrestling school. In all honesty, I would love nothing more than to do that, but there are several issues with that. First, my regular gig is just too stable to walk away from. But more importantly, I am a fat old man. I’m 33 and I get winded carrying my groceries in from my car. Sure, Bret Hart became champ at 35, but he’d been wrestling his whole life. The last time I did sports was a 2 month period my junior year of high school where I trained for crew, but we never actually went out on the water. If I lost my job tomorrow, and could spend six months laser focused and pull a Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy, I’d have a chance. But as it is, I’m slightly more coordinated than The Shockmaster.

That’s all a long way to say I’d be the big slow guy. But wrestling has always had a long history of big man wrestlers: Yokozuna, Giant Gonzalez, Bam Bam Bigelow, Haystacks Calhoun, Vader, The Great Khali, Mabel, Mark Henry, and Abdullah the Butcher, to name but a few. They didn’t always have great speed or strength or agility, but they were always important in making the faces look good. So maybe there’s hope for me yet. . .

  1. Andre The Giant – Towards the end of his career, he could barely walk, but that didn’t stop him from being probably the most important big man ever in wrestling history. Without “The Body Slam Heard Around The World” at WrestleMania III, there would be no Hulk Hogan, and in turn, WWF would have probably gone bankrupt. Plus, how awesome was he as Fezzik in The Princess Bride? Even if there are neither princesses nor brides in the film.

  3. Big Show – The Big Show is the poor man’s Andre in just about every respect. He may be a better actor, but playing Captain Insano in The Waterboy is definitely a step down from The Princess Bride. Big Show does have a distinction in WWE though, he’s had the most turns of anyone ever. At last count, he had changed from a heel to a face and back again something like 23 times, which is kind of insane.

  5. Rikishi – I’m picking Rikishi as my sumo themed pick over Yokozuna, because I liked his dancing gimmick with Scotty Too Hottie and Grand Master Sexay. But looking back on it, making the fat Samoan dance is highly racist. They tried to make him more than one note, when it was revealed he’s the one who hit Stone Cold with his car, but it made no sense and the whole thing was kinda just dropped.

  7. King Kong Bundy – He was never the highest heel on the totem pole, but he did have many high profile matches, including many with Bobby Heenan against Hulk Hogan on Saturday Night’s Main Event. He also won the shortest match in WrestleMania history until Kane beat Chavo in 8 seconds at WrestleMania XXIV. All that was before my time though, I was mostly aware of him through his appearance as Peggy Bundy’s brother on Married With Children.

  9. Kamala – He was a wild African who never spoke (again with the racist gimmicks), and was just a fat guy with a moon painted on his chest, but I loved him as a kid. He was part of one of the weirdest promos ever, where Slick (a reformed Black pimp, because racism) tried to teach him that he was more than an uncivilied wild man, by taking him bowling. Time has not been kind to Kamala, as he had to have his foot amputated due to diabetes.

  11. Big Boss Man – Before turning to wrestling, the Big Boss Man was legitimately a prison guard, and I just thought that was the coolest thing as a kid. I much prefered him in the classic blue shirt, before they brought him back in the all black SWAT uniform. Either way, he and his nightstick were not to be trifled with. I mean, he made Al Snow eat his own dog, and stole Big Show’s dad’s casket from his own funeral. That’s pretty boss if you ask me.

Andre The Giant The Big Show Rikishi
King Kong Bundy Kamala Big Boss Man

is the proud owner of a life size replica Captain Kirk Chair. He is a hoarder of Comic Books, Transformers, and Star Trek action figures. He attended Space Camp as an adult. He has taken vacations to the closing of the Star Trek Experience and the final night Shuttle launch. He has been known to yell at his television when the kids can't put together the damn statue in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. When not writing for InsufficientScotty, he is a Software Engineer for a major healthcare communications company.

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