Saturday Six – Captains

Welcome to the Saturday Six, where each week I let you get to know me a bit better with the help of a list. Any idiot can do a Top 5 list, which is why I kicked it up a notch to a Top 6. This week’s topic: Captains.

When you hear the word “Captain”, what do you picture in your head? A sailor? A pirate? Maybe an airline pilot? All perfectly valid choices. But there are many types of captains, not all of them involved with ships. Well, OK, most of them are, but not always.
 

1. Kirk – This could just be a list of all the Star Trek captains, but I’m not gonna do that. But if you have to pick just one of the five, I think you have to go with Kirk. Picard was a diplomat and a philosopher, Sisko was Black Jesus (and only a Commander until the end of Season 3), Janeway was the female scientist, and Archer was the naive explorer (at least before all the terrorism turned him into an action hero). But Kirk was the cowboy. He didn’t fuck around, he got shit done, and he never lost. He was always willing to whatever it to to protect his ship and her crew, no matter the consequences. If there is any better man to aspire to be like, I do not know who that would be.

 



2. America – There was a long time where no one gave an absolute shit about Captain America. You couldn’t give away Captain America comics in the 90’s. But nowadays, he is pretty much the glue that is holding together the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe. It doesn’t hurt that Chris Evans is absolutely perfect in his portrayal, and has elevated the class of the character in the comics by his work in the movies.

 



3. Jack (Harkness) – There are a bunch of Captain Jacks: Jack Sparrow, that song in DDR, the group that plays that song in DDR. But I’m going with Jack Harkness as my pick, because he was the coolest thing about many early Doctor Who episodes, and the only thing that ever made a Martha episode interesting. I’m really surprised they haven’t brought him back. I know he went off and did a whole bunch over on Tourchwood, but he was so popular, you’d think they’d give him another go. And how hilarious would he be working off of Capaldi’s Doctor, all old and cranky up against this boyish hunk. Plus I’m sure he’d be funny hitting on Clara all the time. They also kinda need to resolve that whole Face of Boe thing anyway.

 



4. Crunch – Ok, so there’s some debate over just what his rank is, and in what service he actually serves, but frankly, none of that matters. Regular Cap’n Crunch is pretty so so. But you know what it awesome? Fucking Crunch Berries. Opps! All Berries is one of the greatest ideas in the history of breakfast, right after bacon. It have no idea why it took them 30 years to think of though. Everyone always wants just the Crunch Berries. Just don’t eat too much at once, or it will turn your poop weird colors.

 



5. The Sea Captain – Originally the proprietor of The Frying Dutchman, the all you can eat seafood buffet that literally could not give Homer all he could eat, the Sea Captain has evolved into one of the funniest background characters on The Simpsons. He’s always up for for some type of crazy shenanigans, like crashing his load of hot pants when there’s no lighthouse, or cheating on his wife, the sea, with two of the Great Lakes, or hawking an album of sea chanteys.

 



6. Noah – This is probably the most esoteric pick I’ve ever made for any of these lists. Unless you are of a certain age and from the Philadelphia area, you’ve probably never heard of Captain Noah and his Magical Ark. It was basically a local version of Captain Kangaroo. He showed old public domain cartoons and his wife sang songs and did puppet shows. In the 70’s, it got higher ratings than Captain Kangaroo AND Sesame Street combined. It was so popular, the ABC station ran it for years instead of Good Morning America, and it was the program that first introduced the Phillie Phanatic. The Captain and his wife retired the show in 1994, (I still have the final episode recorded on VHS somewhere), but the show still plays on the digital subchannels for WPVI. My dad sat next to him when they both won regional Emmys, and he was just an all around good dude. But I think it’s safe to say you can stop sending him your pictures.

 

JohnScott is the proud owner of a life size replica Captain Kirk Chair. He is a hoarder of Comic Books, Transformers, and Star Trek action figures. He attended Space Camp as an adult. He has taken vacations to the closing of the Star Trek Experience and the final night Shuttle launch. He has been known to yell at his television when the kids can't put together the damn statue in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. When not writing for InsufficientScotty, he is a Software Engineer for a major healthcare communications company. You can Email or follow on Twitter @NotEnoughScotty or Facebook